Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Speaker A: Foreign.
[00:00:09] Speaker B: Welcome to Becoming Church, the podcast where we discuss how the message and movement of Jesus is not just about becoming Christians, but about becoming the church. I'm your host, Kristin Mockler Young, and my guest today is Brittany Estes. Brittany has been a friend of mine for many, many years, and I've seen her work through multiple life transitions, both good and the hard.
But she is consistently someone who is honest about her experience while also showing you where there is hope. She has been one of my biggest cheerleaders over the past few years, and by the end of this episode, you will see why.
Well, hello, friend. Welcome back to the podcast.
[00:00:48] Speaker A: Hello. I'm excited to be here.
[00:00:51] Speaker B: I know I looked back and you were actually on episode 39 back in the day to talk about your book, Flip the Script, which we'll get to in a second. But now this is episode, I think, like 1:15. So it's been a minute.
[00:01:06] Speaker A: It just slightly. Wow. I mean, do better, friend. No kidding.
[00:01:12] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:01:13] Speaker A: Every so often I make it in. It's fine.
[00:01:15] Speaker B: It's great. It's great. Well, for those people that maybe have not heard from you since then, or maybe they weren't listening to Becoming Church at that time, give the listeners a little bit of information about who are you? What are you about? You know, all the good things.
[00:01:30] Speaker A: Yeah. So in case you missed it, my name is Brittany Estes, and I'm a speaker, author, and life coach. My husband and I will actually be married for 20 years this July.
I like to say that for the shock and awe because I'm like, yeah, I got married when I was 12. No, truly.
[00:01:50] Speaker B: Let's find more. Like, wait, wait, wait, didn't we just graduate college? Like, didn't all this just right?
[00:01:58] Speaker A: And we have eight amazing children together, so we have five biological and three adopted. So I work at a current church currently in Houston, Texas. I'm the women's pastor there. And I also have the wonderful opportunity to kind of walk alongside teens in our community and at our church and things like that. So that's. That's what I get to do. I'm actually, my son is graduating high school next Friday, and I am a mess. It's my first, and I am a wreck. Like, I'm like, I brought you home from the hospital, like, yesterday. What are you doing?
Oh, it's the worst and the best. I think that's honestly probably the best part of the season is watching him grow up and be like, wow, like, this is what it's like to be an adult with a you Know, like, to have an adult kid and like to see you grow. Like, it's fun kind of, you know, nobody tells you it's fun, but it's fun.
[00:02:53] Speaker B: What do all his siblings think?
Like, I know you've got a range of ages.
[00:02:58] Speaker A: Like, yes. So I have 18 down to 10.
And they're all kind of like, I don't think they understand what it's going to be like when he leaves. But he.
[00:03:06] Speaker B: It's.
[00:03:06] Speaker A: So he has a very special circumstance. He's graduating on Friday, next Friday. And then he will deploy. Not deploy, ship out into the Marines. So he's going to be a Marine, and he heads off to boot camp. And so all of us are not worried about this graduation thing. It's the looming shipping out and not be able to speak to him for three months. That we're like.
[00:03:27] Speaker B: Yes.
[00:03:28] Speaker A: So they're all like, oh, no, we're not going to have Ethan here or we're not going to have this. And I'm like, I know, right?
[00:03:35] Speaker B: What are we going to do?
[00:03:38] Speaker A: I know. I, like, sit and cry when I think about. I'm like.
[00:03:43] Speaker B: Okay, what do you need? What do you need as a mom who's, like, sending their firstborn out into the world for the first time?
[00:03:52] Speaker A: I need people to just, like, let me talk about.
Talk about it.
[00:03:57] Speaker B: Yeah, that's great. I mean.
[00:03:59] Speaker A: Yeah, because you feel like everyone, or at least I feel like some people are probably, like, annoyed with hearing about it. Like, yeah, I get it. And. And truthfully, I didn't send a kit out yet. I haven't done it. And so when people talk to me, I'm like, yeah, but it's okay. And this one feels different than college because they can talk to you. You have all of sorts Summer. They can come back home on the weekends. Like, I have zero contact with this child for three months. This child who lived in my home, I helped raise and grow. And over this last year, the military, because he signed up at the beginning of his senior year.
[00:04:30] Speaker B: Okay.
[00:04:31] Speaker A: To get extra benefits and things like that. Like, they've kind of already owned him. And so for this year, he's been making very adult decisions. So it's been insane. Like, not really a senior, but an adult. And I'm like, and they're about to take him. And I don't. What. What's happening. I'm so proud, and he's so excited and all this, but at the same time, I'm like, it's my baby, so I just need people. I understand.
I get it. We're proud of him, too. I'll hug you.
[00:04:56] Speaker B: I'll hold you for these three months, as I said. Do you need me to send you just, like, tissues? Like, what do you need?
[00:05:04] Speaker A: Send me all the chocolate, the coffee. I'll be a wreck.
[00:05:09] Speaker B: Well, you are such a good mom, and I know that he's going to thrive and great, and all of your other kids are going to be great. And just give them warning, like, fair warning. Probably for the first couple weeks, you're just going to smother them extra. Like, all the hustle.
Yeah, for sure.
[00:05:25] Speaker A: We did graduate recognition last Sunday at church.
[00:05:27] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:05:27] Speaker A: And, like, I'm sitting there, I make them all sit together, and, like, I'm crying as he walks across the stage. And I'll look over at them, and I was like, it's not just for him. I'm going to be a mess when you graduate, too, so just get ready.
[00:05:40] Speaker B: I'm pretty much going to cry like this for the next, like, decade. So just.
[00:05:45] Speaker A: Just know it's coming.
[00:05:47] Speaker B: My mom used to call it liquid love, like, when she would cry. And so I'm like, that's now. That's what it is. Just leave me alone. You know that my feelings are going to come out of my face. So do I need you to look at me when it happens? No. I know what's happening. You know what's happening. We all know what's happening.
[00:06:03] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:06:03] Speaker B: Let me live, right?
[00:06:06] Speaker A: I know. I did tell my son the other day. I was like, let me love you.
He's like, mom, it's fine. I'm like.
[00:06:14] Speaker B: You're like, is it, though? Is it.
[00:06:16] Speaker A: It's not. It's really not fine.
[00:06:20] Speaker B: Well, you are. And I did not prep you for this, so feel free to answer as vaguely or however you want to, but you are working at a church in Texas.
[00:06:31] Speaker A: Yes.
[00:06:32] Speaker B: Church is just, you know, kind of weird right now. It could be very different in different parts of the country and different even churches within the same city.
Tell me something about your church and something that you're proud that your church is doing in Houston.
[00:06:49] Speaker A: I think our church is unique in the fact of we are really a church targeted for people who are disenfranchised with church, who maybe don't like church, maybe who have never been to church.
Um, don't see a. A need for it. Like, what does that look like? Like, life is fine. Why do I need to come and. And do this? Um, and so I love that we meet people where we're at. We have people who look, all different kind of ways coming in the door. Socioeconomical, just such diversity. I love that about us. Um, and we're very much like, come as you are. And we have people tell us, like, I've never felt so welcome until I stepped into a place like this. And so I love that about our church. And another thing that I love is a lot of churches talk about how they do mission work, and then they'll tell you the one thing that they do. And I'm like, cool. Proud of you for that.
Which is not bad. Like, nothing about that is bad. Like, great.
But our church prides itself in, like, the mass amount. Like, we take a huge chunk of our budget, and that's what it goes towards. And so what we do here on campus looks slim. And, like, we call. I call it duct tape ministry. Like, we're okay to make this work because locally we invest in all of these things, and we could tell you all these places that we do it. And then internationally, we have partners that we do, and that's a. A huge feature in a heartbeat. Like, if you were to say, what is community of faith about?
That's what it's about, is mission work. And so I think that's incredible. And I think that's helped people who aren't churched come in because they want to be a part of something bigger.
And so they're like, okay, so we're helping feed. And it's not like, oh, we're helping people see who Jesus is by saying, here's the gospel and here's these things. No, we're living it out. Okay, we're meeting your tangible needs. This is what it looks like when we go internationally. We're not here to be the rescuers of them. We're here to help them build their communities, build banks and systems. And, like, we built this we didn't, like, through funding and things like that. In Burundi, we built a porridge factory because it was like, eight out of ten kids would not make it to the age of five, something like that. And so it was malnutrition and things like that. Like, people would not. That parents would not give their kids names up until a certain age because there was no hope for them. Like, they might not survive. And so we were able to come in and build porridge factory with regulations on nutrition and things like that. Like, that's the kind of mission work. So it's not like the stereotypical. It's. No, let me help. Let me be the hands and feet of Jesus. You know what I Mean, yeah, like.
[00:09:28] Speaker B: You know, care for those marginalized groups.
Yeah.
I mean, but yet. No, it's perfect. It's great. Care for the marginalized people that Jesus actually, like, you know, said to care for.
[00:09:39] Speaker A: Absolutely. Wait, what we should do.
Crazy.
[00:09:44] Speaker B: So wait, plug your church. Because we have people that listen from all over the country, different countries, actually. And I often get messages that are like, can you please make a mosaic the city that I live in? Or do you know any churches in my area? So again, you're in Houston and your church is called what?
[00:10:00] Speaker A: Community of Faith. So we're in northwest Houston.
[00:10:02] Speaker B: Okay.
[00:10:04] Speaker A: I think there's like a small one somewhere else in Houston, but it's COF church. We'd love for you to look into it. You can find the pink haired lady who works on staff there. And I would love to. Love to chat with you.
[00:10:16] Speaker B: Perfect. I will link it up as well. And so, yes, since you mentioned people that look differently and your pink hair, I like, it doesn't even faze me anymore. When I see you, I'm just like, this is what Brittany looks like. And I love it so much. But I'm sure for people that are watching on YouTube or sermon clip or whatever, they'd be like, wait, wait, what?
How did the pink hair come about?
[00:10:36] Speaker A: Yeah, I don't know if we talked about this on the first podcast interview, but way back in the day, so I've had it for like 12 years. So this has been like, half of my kids have not seen me without pink hair.
Like, it's just the fact of life for them. And I'm like, that's so strange to me that that's all, you know.
But back in the day, I was a mommy blogger when that was a thing.
And I went to a conference, it was influence conference with Jess Connelly.
I met Jess back in the Twitter days.
[00:11:07] Speaker B: Yes. Okay.
[00:11:08] Speaker A: We became friends. And then they put on a conference and there was a brand there called Abel.
So they make leather bags, things like that. I think it's, like, fashionable.
But Baird Ward was a CEO then. He was talking about how this one person wanted to get involved and help raise money because they're a fair trade company. So what they do is they help women get out of the sex industry in Ethiopia. And they do like holistic care for them. So it's like counseling, health care. They teach them a trade so they can get out and launch on their own. Like, not only let's rescue them from that, but let's help them have a future.
And they were talking about you can do something called a purpose project, which was, set a goal to raise a certain amount of money for one month. And then if you meet that goal, do something fun that you've always wanted to do. And it was to, like, harness the power of social media back in the day when it was kind of a new thing to do.
[00:12:03] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:12:03] Speaker A: And so I was like, awesome, let's do it. I'm going to try to free four women was my goal, which was 400 in one month. And then if I did that, I would dye my hair pink. And now a little backstory. My husband was in seminary at the time. I had four children. And I was like, it's never gonna be appropriate for a pastor's wife and a mom to have pink hair. Like, that was the circles that I ran in church wise, you know?
[00:12:29] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:12:29] Speaker A: And I was like, that's not going to be okay. But I've kind of always wanted to. I've kind of always been. Been the like, holy rebellious person, you know, And.
And I was like, but if I meet this goal, then people can't be mad at me when my hair's pink because I'll be able to tell them my hair's pink because of this. Yes. And you can't be mad at that.
[00:12:50] Speaker B: Right.
[00:12:50] Speaker A: You know, so in one month's time, we surpassed that goal and we were able to free eight women. It was incredible.
And so I was like, okay, let's dye my hair pink. And I dyed it, thinking, like, it may look horrible or whatever, but I just kind of need to get it out of my system.
And we dyed it pink. And literally everyone was like, this is it. Like, this is what you should have always been was pink hair. And I've kept it ever since. And there was points where I thought, I mean, there's some people that I thought would hate it, but my parents, like, have met people, like, I've gone and spoken at their church and stuff, and they're old ladies who are like, is her hair going to be freshly pink? Like, they're concerned. They want it pink. They're invested in it. And I'm like, okay, this is it. And so it's just kind of. It stayed like that. It's become a part of me. But I think it was also a beautiful thing to help in, like, the freedom process of me, like, understanding who I am, this is who God has created me to be and fully live in that. And when I embrace that freedom, it allows other people to start embracing that in themselves. You know what I mean? Because it's not the norm. Like, whether we believe it or not or understand that we subscribe to it, we try to do what we feel like is acceptable according to other people.
[00:14:04] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:14:04] Speaker A: And that's not what God has asked us to do.
[00:14:07] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:14:08] Speaker A: And that's not who necessarily he's created us to be. And so I think that was a. A great stepping stone into.
Into who this Britney is today.
[00:14:16] Speaker B: Yeah.
If you're struggling with your own negative thoughts or you know someone else who is, I want to invite you to join us in a series on hope at Mosaic for the month of June. Pastor Naim will be teaching from his book Tomorrow Needs you. So we can learn to see beauty in the world around us, even when it feels hard to find. If you're not local to Charlotte, you can join us live at 9:30 Eastern Time at MosaicCLT Online Church. Or you can always watch the messages later on our Mosaic CLT YouTube channel. The world is better with you in it, and we're going to do everything we can to make sure you believe that.
All right, so finding freedom in who you are, which I love. The pink hair is just. I think it suits you. I mean, just even aesthetically, like, you're so beautiful, and I love it. And the pink just.
Oh, it's perfect. I love it so much. But is that freedom in finding, like, hey, this is who I am and this is who God made me to be? Is that kind of where the idea for Flip the script your first book came from? Did it kind of come out of that? Like, I don't know what to say.
[00:15:28] Speaker A: No.
[00:15:29] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:15:30] Speaker A: Yeah. So there was actually an instant. So I was actually at a coaching retreat solidifying, like, my certification to be a life coach. And I was talking to someone. It was so funny because I was like, peer coaching them, and I was explaining them a situation that happened in my life to give the urgency, like, your person that you're wanting to coach, you need to have this kind of urgency for. And I was telling her a story that I had. I was getting all hot and bothered by it, and I was like. And she was like, britney, maybe. Wait, maybe that's your person. And I was like, you might be right.
And I was telling her a story about when I worked at a church previously and I was a women's pastor.
I would teach to women my age and try to explain to them, like, here's your purpose, here's your calling, here's your worth. Because I. Women our age have just been so beat down by that. We're struggling and we're searching and we don't understand those things. And the problem is we're lost in that and we can't do what we're called to do because we cannot solidify this. And like, this is the foundation. Now let me go. And I think that's such a trick from the enemy that he's let us spin and stew in this and that we're not being successful. And so one morning I woke up and it was a week after two, like young teens and young adults that I had mentored had serious issues. So one had like a mental breakdown and kind of snapped in church. And we had to like, call authorities to kind of come help us. And the other one tried to harm herself.
And so she had to be put in an institution for a bit just for care. And I was like, what is happening? Like, what is going on? And the. The Lord was like, it was so clear to me. He was like, here's the issue.
This group that you're talking to is so self focused and don't have their wits about them, like in understanding the truth of who they are. And they're dealing with this, that they can't turn and reach and help this younger generation.
And that's the issue. Like, we have this beautiful, incredible generation and they're drowning at rapid rates because they're grappling with so much more than we ever did.
And instead of us saying, I was there, I walked through that. Let me help you get through that. We're stuck in our own stuff because we have never, like, gotten through it and dealt with it and understood who we are. And so it was out of that that I was like, okay, I'm done with that. And I didn't know where that was going to go. And I was like, okay, let me deal with us first. Like this group that I deal with, like, let me help you. Because then I'm hoping as I give you this book and you work through and you flip the script on all the L that you're believing and you can understand the truth of who you are and what God has called you to do, then you can turn with me and let's help reach this next generation.
[00:18:25] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:18:26] Speaker A: And so that's where flip the script kind of came from. So I was like, I want you to live in freedom, the freedom that I have, and then we'll go from there.
[00:18:33] Speaker B: Yeah, put your own oxygen mask on first before you try to take care of the person next to you.
[00:18:38] Speaker A: Airplane mode. Yes.
[00:18:41] Speaker B: Well, that's so beautiful. I Don't know if I realized that. That, like, really, you had the Next Generation in mind the whole time, even when you were writing the script. And that's a book. I've read it. I actually, like, read that one. Made my own notes. It's really, really great. And so I would say for anybody who's feeling like, oh, I wonder if this is for me. It's for. It's for you. Right. Like, it's pretty much for everybody.
[00:19:03] Speaker A: I've had guys email me and they're like, I don't think you knew this, but this book was for men too. And I was like, cool.
I might have made a more manly cover had I known that.
No, great. I'm thankful.
[00:19:17] Speaker B: Yes. So then after that happened, I've got Glow up right here. So after Flip the Script a couple years later, the risk. Was it that the response was so good, or was this always the plan?
Like, did they ask you to write a use or was this always the plan?
[00:19:34] Speaker A: They asked me. Well, actually, I pitched them. I said, here's the deal. Because I had had. My agent at the time was talking to me about, there's not many writers for this younger demographic, and what are we. What are we doing about that? And so I was on a run. That's where I have my best ideas is when I'm on a run and I feel like the Lord talks to me a lot on my runs, I can clear my head and stuff. And he was like, brittany, what are we doing about this? And I was like, you're right. And so I literally went to my publishers and I said, here's the deal.
And I. I mean, like, I love them and stuff, but I was like, here's my idea. We need to write one for teens. We've done it for adults. I'm having people reach out to me. This is an issue. I have women saying, I wish I knew this 20 years ago. And I'm like, what are we going to do about it? And I was like, I'd love to offer it to you first, since you. He did my other book. Yeah. If not, we'll take it elsewhere. Yeah, good.
And they were like, this is great. Let's write it. And I was like, okay, cool. Now I gotta write another book. Okay, great.
[00:20:32] Speaker B: Yes. So did you basically take flip the script and then, like, make it, like, teenagey, or did you write a whole.
[00:20:39] Speaker A: I did. So. Okay, well, I didn't write a whole new book. A lot of the stories and illustrations and stuff are different. They're meant for teens to understand where they're at. But what I wanted to have happen is I wanted them to be close enough where a mom could take her daughter and walk through it, where a leader could walk through it in their version and then with teens, because I think right now we're not at a place where there's enough adults who understand where they are to be able to lead out in a place they're leading out of their own pain and their own hurt and their own, like, broken statements. And so they can't necessarily help teens find freedom when they don't understand what that looks like either. Yeah, I mean, I think they want to try. I think that's beautiful.
But I think we're in a place where both need it. And so I wanted it to be like a. I'm gonna sit down. I'm gonna work through chapter one, and you're gonna work through chapter one. We're gonna feel it in different ways, but we're going to be able to be, like, great. And I'm hoping that the mom or the adult can say, baby, this is where I'm at. Because I haven't done this, like, let me show you what truth looks like kind of thing.
[00:21:41] Speaker B: So well. And that's really beautiful because I think, like you said, it's. It's good, right? It's admirable. It's great for. For women, parents, whoever, to want to help other kids, whether it's their kids or other kids that they happen to know. But even when we say the right things. Yeah. If we haven't done our own healing, like, kids are smart. Teens are smart. They know. And they will call us and. And they will not. They'll see right through it. If we're trying to, like, hey, here's all the things I'm supposed to say to you, but I'm not actually living it myself.
[00:22:14] Speaker A: So, like, one tiny example growing up, my mother, like, you know, girls have body image issues. Like, it's. It almost feels like it's ingrained in us that that's a struggle. And so when your body is growing as a teenager, like, sometimes it's awkward and it's weird. It's whatever. And, you know, my mom would be like, but you're beautiful, just as God made you and all these things. Meanwhile, she's telling me, she's telling herself, and we're hearing this. She needs to be on a diet and she needs to do this and all these things. And I'm like. And this woman is like, stick thin. Like, this is a struggle. She's had her whole entire life. And I'm thinking, how is this? I don't. These things don't match up to me. So the things that I say as a mom about myself, my kids are watching and they're saying, like, they're going to discredit anything I say to them because they see in the mirror and it doesn't line up with what you're telling them. So if what they see about me and I'm badgering myself doesn't line up, then that it makes no sense to them. So I have to be able to live out what I say to then help show them that that's what that looks like.
[00:23:16] Speaker B: Like, yeah, yeah, preach. I mean, I think that's the perfect example because I think probably most people listening can relate to that. Of, like, I. I heard one thing, but I saw something else. I think, especially when it comes to image. Especially when it comes to teen girls. Yeah. There is so much because they're hearing it from their friends. And that's the thing, too, is I think we need books like this to combat the voices that they're going to hear anyway. But let's make sure they're not hearing that in their own homes, like in their safe relationships and the safety of the people that we want them to like. No, no, no. Listen to me first. You know, and most. Because this is what's true about who you are, because they. The. It's still going to come. It's still going to come in from the outside.
[00:24:00] Speaker A: You have to be louder.
[00:24:01] Speaker B: Yes.
[00:24:02] Speaker A: And by louder, meaning more consistent.
[00:24:04] Speaker B: I was just going to say. And consistent. Yes. Well, thank you for sending this to me because my daughter Marley is 11, but she thinks she's 15. So, you know.
[00:24:15] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:24:15] Speaker B: She's reading it and going through it, and I almost feel a little bit. And I did ask her. I was like, hey, can I borrow your book and go talk to Ms. Brittany?
But I feel a little bit like I'm like, reading her diary. Because you have so many. Good.
[00:24:30] Speaker A: Because there's journal parts to it. Yeah.
[00:24:33] Speaker B: So they write down, like, what is an old script that they're believing and what is a time that, you know, made them think poorly about themselves. But then you. You walk them through. It's almost like a guided journal in places where you walk them through. Here's how to flip that script and then find something else instead.
That's been really.
[00:24:54] Speaker A: I think that was important for me for this generation, because adults, like, we understand that concept and we can think and process through. And I think this younger one, it's easy to read. If we can get them to read it, then they're going to read it and just not come together. And so I wanted them to have a one stop shop to. Okay, let's actually work that out.
Let's actually go from here's the idea now, let's move past that and let's journal it in one place and stuff. So yeah, yeah. I mean it's heartbreaking for me. Like I've seen some of the things that my kids have written because you know, they each have a copy and like it makes you want to cry as a mom, like when your daughter says, like, I just don't know that I'm going to be good enough. And I'm like, oh baby, like, like I don't know how. And there's things like me as a parent that I've said and I'm like, I, that's not what I meant. You know, dealing with grades. So I have a daughter who's like striving for all A's and things like that. And there was a comment that I had made and this is why it's so tricky. You can be the best parent in the world, but it's not necessarily how it lands in the kid's head.
[00:26:00] Speaker B: Yes, yes.
[00:26:01] Speaker A: And so like I one time incentivized, like if you make all these, you can get an ice cream or whatever. And so then she, it stuck and like shifted in her head that she has to perform to be better. And I was like, what? Like, no, baby, like I'm just asking you to do your best. If your best is a C, your best is a C, right? If your best is an A, your best is an A. Like never. Is that my goal? But that was just something that had shifted and she all of a sudden began like, if I cannot do this, if I make less than 100, if I do this. And I was like, I'm sorry, that's, that's not what I meant for you. And she knew that. But it just stuck in such a weird way in her mind that then she began trying to earn our approval, if that makes sense.
[00:26:50] Speaker B: Well, that's where the consistency piece really is key because.
So we got an email from my daughter's school this week because we're, we're going up to like end of grade testing right? In the couple of weeks.
And the teachers were harping on, I remember, from one of the teachers or the principal, doesn't matter, harping on like, this is why it's so important and my younger one, Margo, is in third grade, so this is her first year doing EOGs.
And she's in TD. Like, she's in the. Gets pulled out for more challenge, all the things, you know, whatever. And she basically was told like, hey, you have to get a five. You have to get above and beyond. And if you don't, then they're giving them all these stats. Half of the students within the state fail, and they're just like, putting all of this fear and anxiety in them.
And I'm like, how do you think that this is going to help them do better? All you're, all you're doing is sending them in with, like, trepidation that already they're not going to do well enough. So I had to sit them down. Oh, and then another part of it was like, hey, we need to really strive for fives because that's what's going to set them apart for honors classes for middle school, and that's really going to set their future. And for a week I have been biting back. I want to email this lady back and be like, hey, honors classes by default are like, only for certain people.
So when we set the expectation that only being in honors classes is going to set you up for success, for the future, what are you communicating to the majority of your students who are not going to score enough to be in honors classes?
And it is really okay. Like, that is not the goal for every student.
You know what I'm saying?
[00:28:34] Speaker A: Absolutely, yes.
[00:28:36] Speaker B: My kids down and be like, listen, this is your projected score. If you miss a couple, you're still going to be fine. Like, you are not at risk of failing. So I need you to let the pressure go. And like, everything is. My children who already are both diagnosed with anxiety, I'm like, this is not helping them.
[00:28:57] Speaker A: Oh, absolutely. Oh, come on. Oh, God.
[00:29:01] Speaker B: So, yes, it's again, back to the consistency piece. We have to tell them over and over. I have to tell my kids over and over about their grades. You have to tell them over and over about what matters and what defines them and, like, how God sees them. And to be able to let go of the things that the world wants to define them by. But it's not true and real, you know?
[00:29:24] Speaker A: Yeah, absolutely.
[00:29:25] Speaker B: So tricky. So tricky. Well, I know Marley's internalizing it because she will just say to me every now and then, she's like, well, you know what my pink haired Bessie would say about that is this.
[00:29:40] Speaker A: I love that. So thank you for that.
You're welcome.
[00:29:44] Speaker B: You're welcome.
[00:29:46] Speaker A: Well, my kids do it to me too, though. Yeah. Like, moms say that again. Like, so they'll catch me saying a negative statement or something like that. And they're like, say it again. I'm like, ooh, you can't do that to me.
[00:29:58] Speaker B: Call you out.
[00:30:00] Speaker A: They do. They do.
[00:30:02] Speaker B: That's good. And I think, you know, gentle parenting is like a whole phrase which means different things to different people. But one of the things that I really see about, like, our generation of parents trying to raise kids is.
And it's attention, obviously, but there's more of that, like, friendship level of not, like, I'm superior over you so that they can feel safe enough to be like, no, no, no. If you're gonna call me out on my stuff, then I get to call you out too. When I see the same things happening, you know, I don't think for past generations was an acceptable thing for children to do.
[00:30:36] Speaker A: No, no.
[00:30:38] Speaker B: How do you. For a parent that's listening, maybe that they're still in that more of like a hierarchy type of parenting model. How would you encourage them to kind of level the playing field and get to the place where they're more in a, like, give and take relationship with their teens especially?
[00:30:55] Speaker A: Oh, that's so tricky because I think we have being honest. I think we have gone from this middle ground that's acceptable to then completely opposite. And now I think a lot of this teen generation, there is no respect or understanding for authority. Like, it's just insane to me. So I get the fear of that if I let go of this, then it's going to completely go over there. But I think the miss is when we live in this, because I said so, kind of, you know, parenting, then we lose the helping them understand the why behind it.
And there's this piece where when they become an adult, they have to figure all of that out and not necessarily the basics of life, but if they're struggling with this, whatever the they're dealing with. So if it's anxiety or whatever it is, like, if they're hiding it and holding it as an adult, then they're going to be faced with all the challenges of adulthood and trying to understand how that fits into it. How did they reconcile that? How do they become whole? And so I think the goal of parenting is allowing your kids to fail in a safe space so you can coach them through that so then they can become successful adults. And with that means you have to be like, I'm not perfect either. And I tell my kids all the Time. I.
I'm not. I'm going to fail you. I'm gonna mess up. And I try.
Even when I'm like, I was right in the situation or I'm still mad, I have to, like, stop and apologize to them.
And whether they take it or not is on them, but I need them to see that I'm gonna apologize to you. And so I try to be like, we're gonna mess up. Where's this? Or there'll be points where I'm like, I'm sorry I said that, because I was feeling like this in hopes that then they can say those things to me as well, because I think they don't understand or have words for a lot of the things that they say and do. And we as parents can see that we can actually be like, well, you're acting like this, because this is really the thing. And the more that we allow them to put words to that, the more successful they'll be as an adult. Does that make sense? Yeah.
[00:33:06] Speaker B: Yeah. Well, and I think, too, it's. It's realizing for ourselves, like, we don't need to know in the moment. Sometimes we don't have the words either. But the difference, I think, is that going back and modeling. Hey, now that I've been able to calm it down for a second, I can realize that I was feeling this because of something else, and it came out on you. And.
Yeah, one of the things I've been saying to my kids lately is like, hey, in my repair, you know, in my coming back around, it's like, I. This is not the mom I want to be, and this is not the mom that you deserve to have.
And so I'm sorry that this is what happened, and I wish I would have done this instead. And here's what I'm going to try to do next time, because that just lets them know.
[00:33:45] Speaker A: Right? Like, good. That's really good.
[00:33:47] Speaker B: I'm trying to figure this out as we go. Just like you guys are, you know.
[00:33:51] Speaker A: Right.
I was like, I've never parented before, so thank you.
[00:33:55] Speaker B: I'm sorry. You're my.
[00:33:57] Speaker A: Never been a child before. I've never been a parent before. Like, we're doing this together.
[00:34:01] Speaker B: Yes.
Well, I do think that in the way that people are learning to parent a little different, like, parenting is changing, you know, but there's still this stigma around teens and surrounding teens. What do you wish that people knew about this upcoming generation?
[00:34:21] Speaker A: I wish they knew that what they see as chaos and as challenge or as disrespect is Actually curiosity and trying to find truth.
I genuinely think that they are the most bright and beautiful generation. I. I say it constantly that I think that they can change the world. And I don't use that lightly. Like, there's so much light and love. But in the same respect, they're being met with all of this opposition. Things that aren't good for them, things that are hurting them, things that are distracting them. And in that, because they're trying to find out what's true, what to live for, what to die for, you know, kind of thing, they're grasping onto the wrong things which are leading them astray. And I think we get caught up in all this.
Well, they did this and they are lazy and they're blah, blah, blah. And I'm like, but what can you do to help that? Like, where's the good? And I think people tell me all the time, like, you just are all fun and, you know, laughs and things like that. And I'm like, yeah, you know, but let's try to find the good in the scenario. That's my point. Like, it's gonna suck no matter where you are, but if you focus on the good and you find it, then we can continue to draw that out. And that's the same for this generation. Like, there have been moments where I'm like, that is it.
That is what we're hoping for. And it's my job to help foster that and for it to grow, because I'm here to fight back. All the lies that they're believing, all the things that the world is telling them, their phones and social media and say, that's not truth.
The faster you understand that and believe that, the faster you can actually help us. Because I can't do it. Like, I'm getting old. I'm not old, so that's not true. But I'm getting older. And, like, it's just time and time again we see through history where it's this younger generation that rescues whatever is happening. And so I'm kind of like, here, let me train you. Like, I want you to be the ones to carry us into this future and to shift what's happening. You know what I mean?
[00:36:24] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:36:25] Speaker A: So I. I see it as my goal. Like, I see it. It's beautiful. Let's make it happen.
[00:36:29] Speaker B: Do you call it out in them? You said find the good. Do you tell them? Do you tell your teens, like, hey, there it is.
[00:36:35] Speaker A: Absolutely, absolutely. And there's times where even when it's in opposition or it's in, like, I Have a very strong willed child and we call him the lawyer and he will fight and try to find ways like around it and whatever. And he can use it for good or for evil. And I'm like, this is going to be great when you're an adult because you're going to fight and you're going to win. Like, this is awesome. I'm like, not now. I don't need that here in this space. Like your job will be finding when that's good and when that's not. But I mean like, you have to.
Because I think even the good. So even in that scenario, if I tamper it and fight it all because he's not using it in the right way now, he's going to be afraid or not want to use it later when it's actually needed.
[00:37:22] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:37:22] Speaker A: If that makes sense. Like, yeah. For me growing up, I always was told I'm too loud, I'm too much or whatever because I have such a big personality. I get it. There are times when I used it, maybe more times than not that was not for good.
[00:37:36] Speaker B: Right.
[00:37:37] Speaker A: But it took me a long time to undo and say like, well, I can actually harness this for the better.
[00:37:44] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:37:44] Speaker A: And I don't want them to have to deal with that. Like, let's help them learn and see and grow so they don't.
They're not like 40 years old going, oh wait, cool, I can, I can do some good.
[00:37:54] Speaker B: Yeah.
Yeah. I love the idea of it being, you know, in the right time and place. We have a negotiator where it does not matter what you say to her. She's going to be like, or, but what if, if I do this instead of that, like and everything and for a long time, especially people looking in, I would say maybe of the generation above ours who would spend time with my child would just be like, she's so non compliant or she's disobedient or whatever. And I'm like, I mean I'm talking from like 2 years old.
And we, I had to stand back and be like, she's actually not. If you listen to the words she's saying, you're hearing it as disobedience. Because what you're expecting is you say jump. She does it like immediately and you know, says, how high?
[00:38:41] Speaker A: Immediate. Yes, yes.
[00:38:43] Speaker B: What she's actually doing is asking questions to find out more. Is there another option?
Does this affect it? Does this play into it? And I'm like, girl, one day that is going to be the best skill for you to have.
And so we don't squash it, but we're like, this is not a time for negotiation right now in this moment.
[00:39:03] Speaker A: Right, Right, Absolutely.
[00:39:08] Speaker B: Well, tell me a couple, if you can think of one, or a couple, you know, again, talked about finding the good with teens. What are some things that seen either in your own kids or the kids that you're working with that you're like, oh, this is what's good about the next generation?
[00:39:24] Speaker A: I think, you know, we say a lot that teen girls are mean girls. You know, like, they're best friends and worst enemies all at the same time. But there's something about them where even in the worst of worst. So I have this group of teen girls that I mentor on a weekly basis, and they have known each other for years, and they have this because, I don't know, girls do this too, where they can just butt heads or whatever. But there is this sense of, these are my people, and I will fight for that. And I love that sense of no matter what, like, I can fight with you, but someone else comes into play. Not it. Like, we're not doing this. These are my girls, and I will fight to the death for them. And I think that sense of loyalty is beautiful in a day, in an age where it's almost like, cutter be cut kind of deal, that they're like, no, it's all or nothing. And. And I think that's beautiful.
I think not being afraid to say what you feel or think is an incredible win for them.
Even when it comes to calling out wrong in people and stuff. Like, I think that's fantastic.
I think the authenticity is incredible.
At the same time, it's devastating when you can see it in its rawness and you're like, this is where you're at. And you're not ashamed. You're not ashamed to say it. Like, with the choices that they make that are not good. And you're like, okay, like, oh, gosh, you know, kind of thing.
But also the sense of wanting to know more. Like, as far as faith goes, they're not okay with the shallow. They're not okay with the frill. They want the deep and the real, and they don't want you to just tell it to them. They want you to live it, and they want you to show it to them. And I think that's amazing because I think a lot of adults want and need that, but will settle for what's easy and convenient, and they don't want convenient faith.
[00:41:30] Speaker B: Yeah. And that's discipleship, right? Like, yeah, they are done with absolutely. Say the thing, but don't do the thing. Like, no more. They. They see through it, and they don't want any part of that kind of Christianity or faith.
So, yeah, they're like, absolutely. If you're. If you're telling me to do the thing, show me how. Like, show me that it's actually possible.
[00:41:50] Speaker A: Right.
[00:41:52] Speaker B: How would somebody listening know if a girl in their lives would benefit from this book?
[00:41:59] Speaker A: Well, I think the question is in just that, do you know a girl in your life? She would benefit from it?
[00:42:07] Speaker B: Trick question. Kind of.
[00:42:09] Speaker A: Yes. Right. I mean, because any girl who has struggled or had questions about her body image, if she's compared herself to the people around her, if she's failed or felt like she's failed at something, if she feels alone, if she's struggled with the choices that she made in feeling shame, if you notice that she feels shy or not eager to jump into what's next or a group of people or anything, like, give her this book. She needs this book.
In the book, which I did with my flip the script, I put in my social media contacts, I put in a phone number for people to text me, because I don't want to just hand you this message and then be like, peace, good luck, kind of thing.
I want you to reach out to me. And I have. I genuinely have people call me and text me. It's the coolest thing.
And sometimes they're just like, this book was great. I'm like, awesome. I'd love to hear that. And then sometimes they're like, but I have this question, and I'm like, cool, let's. Let's go from there.
Because I. I don't. I don't want to be.
I want to lower the bar, if that makes sense. You know, we're talking about parenting. Like, they're up high and the kids are down low. I want to lower the bar. And, like, I'm not just this face of someone who wrote a book. No, I genuinely care, and I want to walk alongside you through this process.
[00:43:29] Speaker B: Yeah, well. And I think the beauty of the book because of the way you've got the journal prompts and things in here, is I would say the adult or the person that's buying this for the girl in their lives doesn't even need to know what that girl is wrestling with. Like, you don't need to know what their issue is. They might not even know. But as they read and work through it, they're going to find the words and they're going to find, like, oh, this is the lie that I've been believing, even though I didn't realize it.
[00:43:59] Speaker A: That's absolutely.
And a really cool thing is I have created a study guide, so I've got one, and I'm encouraging, like, youth leaders and stuff. Like, take your group of girls through it, walk them through it so you can have a copy of it. I'll give you the free study guide and discuss it. Have them, like, not only is that discipleship walked out, so you're living life and. And helping them, but they're getting the benefit of this book as well. And it's easy for you because I give you everything you need to do that, you know?
[00:44:29] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:44:29] Speaker A: Like, it's simple.
[00:44:31] Speaker B: Yeah. All right, Brittany, because the podcast is called Becoming Church. How can people listening become the church to the people around them? Maybe to the teens around them specifically?
[00:44:43] Speaker A: I think becoming the church to the teens around you would choose to be in their lives.
So that means sacrificing a little of your time, but see how they're living. Live life with them. You know, my husband is a kids pastor, so.
So a lot of things that I say and do have to deal with that and then obviously with teens. But the truth is, teens and children need five safe people in their lives as they're growing up. So the parents can be that if there's. And these are, like, people that they meet. So, like, we have grandparents that are a long distance away. That doesn't necessarily count. They need people that they're walking and doing life with. Yeah, that's the same for teenagers. The point in time where a child decides and grows in faith is that age, will they be stuck or will they not? I was thinking the other day about, I had a youth pastor that I loved who walked alongside life with me. He married my husband and I myself. And then I sit and I look at my kids and I'm like, do they have that same relationship with people like they have me? But I need them to have people who are invested in them. So grab a few teens, walk alongside them. That doesn't mean you have to have all the answers, but be ready to. To answer questions that they may have. If you don't show them who to go to, but go to their games, be in their lives, like, be invested in them. That's how you're the church. It's less about all these theological stances and. And all the right answers and stuff, and it's actually living life with them. Acts 2 Chur like, walk and do things daily with these people.
That's what I would suggest. Because again, they want authentic, they want real. So if you text and say you're here for them and then every time they reach out to you, you're busy. Well, that's not showing it. Like, we have an open door policy at my house and kids will do it. Like, I'm like, you don't even need to knock. You can text. I'll tell you, we'll probably be in our pajamas or whatever. But you're welcome to come over. Come over. This is it. This is a safe space for you kind of thing. And they've lived it out, so it's simple. It doesn't have to be hard.
[00:46:46] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:46:46] Speaker A: Just be with them.
[00:46:47] Speaker B: Plus leading with relationship. Because when you do that, when you open the relationship, when the trust is there, they will ask the questions and you'll get to have all the theological conversations.
But if you just throw that at them first, they're going to be like, no, I'm good.
[00:47:03] Speaker A: Well, and you'll have the relationship to be able to speak truth to where they're making choices that are. That differ from that or that need it. But if you come in hard and fast like, well, that's wrong. That's not biblical, or that's blah, blah, blah, they'll be like, okay, no, yeah, yeah, love that.
[00:47:20] Speaker B: Well, friends, thank you so much for being here. I will link up both of the books in the show notes as well as your church so that people that are in or near Houston can come and check you guys out.
If it seems daunting to just find some teens and make them your friends, Start small. If you have kids, no matter their age, start talking to them about their friends. Start talking to them about their feelings and their worries and the things that they have questions about. They'll realize that you're a safe person. And when they tell their friends how you're different from other parents, because they will, their friends will start to trust you too.
If you don't have kids in your home, there are many programs out there to support kids and teens who are always looking for volunteers. I'll link a few in the show notes, but you can also do a search for your own city and get involved to meet the needs of your community.
Thanks so much for listening. And until next time, keep becoming the church to the people around you.
